Happiness Vs. Journalling

I've never been one of those people who can "journal." Years ago in the teen diary stage I'd always feel guilty if I skipped days, then weeks, then months. How could you continue a diary if you missed so much time? Later as an adult, as a writer, I'd read how I should be journalling every day, clearing my mind, doing "morning pages" or just dumping whatever (crap) is in my brain. I could never do that. It sounded so whiney. If I write, if I put something on paper that is "permanent" that someone else might eventually pick up and read, I don't want it to be so self-serving. Okay, so I have issues.

But I just had an idea about keeping a "happiness" journal. Just trying to write every day (okay, so whenever I get around to it--no guilt!). Any way, writing BRIEFLY about something that makes me happy or made me happy that day.

Maybe I'll post those here every now and then too.

Laughter

I can't underestimate the importance of laughter! There are just some things that amuse me now and I am embracing them. TV shows: "Who's Line is it Anyway?" "Two and a Half Men," "Big Bang Theory," "Kathy Griffith," "Flipping Out," just crack me up. The kids' sense of humor, and Katlyn's "full body" hugs. Matthew thinks its too "Arkansas" to hug me. Which cracks me up too. My funny little Lhaso Apso, Maggie, loves me and is the goofiest little thing. I say all the time that she alone can get me through the depths of my MS. Listening to anything by Harry Nilsson--a blast to the past--brings a smile to my face and a song on my lips as I walk or workout.

And my Dr. wrote me a "prescription" that says "No housework FOREVER!" Which my son framed and put up in the kitchen. Now I doubt it will inspire anyone in this house to do chores in lieu of me, but it makes me laugh out loud everytime I look at it!

That and antidepressants and I have it made.

Outtting Myself

The joke in my house was that I had MS before I was diagnosed. It stood for (Boss's first name starting with an M) Syndrome. I couldn't deal with my second, and real MS until I got rid of the first MS. And today was my first day with her GONE!

So I outed myself to the remaining department members. I must say I was underwhelmed with their concern. Both knew other people with MS and pooh poohed my diagnosis with a kind of "Oh you'll be fine" kind of attitude. Which is another reason I waited before I outted myself to everyone. I needed to grieve and really wallow in the seriousness of the diagnosis before I could hope for the best.

People mean well, but boy can they come across as insensitive!

What Really Bothers Me About THE Diagnosis

Aside from the unknowns of this disease, and the fact that I HAVE AN INCURABLE DISEASE, what really bothers me about this diagnosis:

My brain is affected. I have sclera or lesions IN MY BRAIN. I haven't seen the films yet, but Dr. B told me he'd show them to me anytime. I just couldn't deal with seeing bad news before my surgery. I couldn't go under anesthesia worrying about more than my back. Now I'm ready. But it is unnerving to know, to really know you have something wrong in your brain. It struck me this morning when I was hearing about Senator Kennedy.

Your essence, your soul, everything that makes you "you" is in your brain. You can have a limb amputated and still be "you." But to have something wrong with you brain can change who you are and how you think, and how you function. There's the chance I might not be me anymore....

Of All the Gin Joints In All the World....

He walked into mine.

Call it coincidence, call it synchronicity, call it Divine Intervention...I'm still agog (and thankful!) that Dr. B. WALKED INTO MY OFFICE. A head doctor at Methodist, a Neurosurgeon, a teacher, a researcher, an incredible diagnostician...someone who overheard me talking about my herniated disk--and chose to ask questions and volunteer a second opinion. I don't even want to think about where I'd be medically if he hadn't literally appeared on my doorstep. We both agreed that he was MEANT to walk into my office. He was the 4th doctor I saw and the first and only one who saw the signs of MS.

He and his office staff have babied me, nursed me, held my hand and led the way through my medical maze and they cared about me. The Orthopedist I saw hasn't yet called me to see why I haven't come back.

Three Months In

I'm 3 months into my MS diagnosis, and today, exactly 8 weeks post-0p.

AND I FEEL GREAT!

I will never again under-appreciate feeling "normal." But right now I feel better than that! It's amazing what having all those medications OUT of your system can do. I'm only on a couple now, my pre-diagnosis, kinda- menopause-related anti-anxiety med. Lexapro. Prescription Ibuprofin (800 mg) which is helping avoid aches and pains from my physical therapy, and my weekly shot of Avonex.

That, and beautiful, freakishly gorgeous, cool Houston weather has made all right with my world! I slept with the bedroom windows open last night and awoke with the cool breeze and the chirping of birds. Lovely.

And note to Rick: I'm happy! Although I'd still like to figure out how to get to a tropical isle! I fear I have many medical bills to pay first!

So What Now?

Now I'm continuing my physical therapy (for both the back and the MS). I apparently am a star student. I'm "advanced" for a back patient. I've been working on stretching exercises. I do them every day and walk at least a mile every day (two on the weekends). Next up is strength exercise, weights and machines.

With regard to the MS: I take my Avonex shot every Friday night. And follow that with a sleeping pill (to sleep through any side affects). I used to have Mexican food and margaritas every friday!

I'm trying to follow a low-fat/no-fat diet. Some days are better than others! There's a Swank Diet that some think helps with MS. It can't hurt. I'm also taking a bunch of vitamins each day--a woman's vitamin, extra calcium, omega oils, primrose oil and "eye vitamins" because macular degeneration runs in the women in my family.

I also either drink cranberry juice or take cranberry pills each day to help with bladder infections which are also common in MS.